would be the BEST possible way to say that i was this morning when my aunt kathy handed me a check that would cover over half of my school loan. i marched into the business office today and paid that loan. i am school bound in the fall!!!!!! watch out world!
have you ever noticed when you have come to face your self, your sins and have confessed to your God that you are unworthy of His love, His grace, mercy, joy and on and on and on that your soul just exudes happiness? today, after facing myself and seeing the darkness and seeing my God, i am happy. i knew it was pretty bad when i saw a jasper hair on my shirt and laughed out loud and was so excited. if you have not met jasper, i encourage you to do so. he is about fifty pounds and belongs to a wonderful person.
then i was outside today and stepped into a puddle, soaked my shoe, my foot and the bottom portion of my skirt and was laughing hysterically.
then i was trying to get out of the office, but the door was broken so i ran into the window part and smacked my head on the glass...and spent the next five minutes trying to be smarter than the door...didn't succeede and laughed about the situation.
i was excited to see the rain clouds coming in and hoped that i could go running in the rain at some point in the day.
i was so happy that we had girl night last night. i love girl night. can i just say that there are few things in the world that i love more than girls night??!?!? thank you, thank you very much!
ok back to work i go!
i have found myself the last few days submerged under a huge, seemingly endless wave of doubt, fear, insecurity and impatience. i can't seem to get my head above the darkness. i have tried flailing my arms to reach the surface to snatch one tiny whiff of freshness for my soul, but to no avail. i have surrounded myself with friends, kept terribly and horribly busy with work, slept, talked on my phone and read books to tried and keep my mind from realizing that this wave of black could crush me.
i am a good faker. i can fake happiness and carelessness when i absolutely need to. yesterday i needed to and i did. i was carefree at ice cream time after the service but when i got home and was by myself with no distractions the tears came. they weren't the drip, drip, drip of sadness...they were as torrential as the storm raging outside my window last night. i tried to ward them off by calling a few people. everyone was out or busy or just added to my wave of darkness. so when all phone calls ended around one in the morning, i just sat on my closet floor babbling to God about nothing and everything with an incoherency that only He could understand. i was talking out loud, but if you had been sitting beside me on my dark closet floor, you would have left in confusion. i had my window open in my closet and was watching the storm thru my tears. when i was at my peak of anger and frustration the storm accelerated to it's fiercest. the lightning was so bright i had to close my eyes. the thunder so loud i felt the whole house shake. i then realized no matter how dark my soul, or how desperate my tears or how black my sin, my God is more powerful than all of myself. my God has the power to send lightning down to earth and incinerate whatever He chooses. my God has the power to bring nations to their knees. my God has the power, that in His righteous anger, to bring a storm so big it covers the whole earth leaving none but a handful of people. but my God also has hands that are so tender that when His little child's heart is torn and broken, and when His little child is gasping for air, He lifts her up above herself and her darkness. the awesomeness of that difference, and the perfection with which He performs that astounds me.
my darkness resulted from holding on too closely to things in this life. i was grasping for temporal things and trying to bind them to myself forever with my pathetic scotch tape. i was trying to control circumstances and manipulate my life into the utopia i thought it could be. but there was the problem. it was all what i wanted. i was "happy" in my little life. but when i am in control, things go insane. things spin out of control. my heart gets black and my soul tired. you would think that after years of failure and time after time of coming to the end of my rope that i would understand that it isn't me who will create a successful life. it can't be me. in my babblings last night to the Lord i was trying to show Him with my hands what i was doing with my life. i couldn't put it into words, they just wouldn't come. i had my hands closed in the tightest fists i could make showing Him how i was holding the things that He had, in His grace, given me with the expectation that i could give them right back. i showed Him then with cupped, open hands that i have to hold everything without grasping, without greediness, without desire, in the center of an open heart.
today has been rough. my actions have been sluggish and empty. my body is tired of putting up the front, so my face reflects the tiredness of my soul. i was looking thru blogs at lunch time and came across this. my soul cried out with joy! i would like to quote a little from the post. if i were eloquent, if i could express myself, i would have said this in the same way. thank you jen!
"The character of the God-Man is such that He can reach out and touch the sinner without compromising His own holiness. And in this ministry of “touching” us in our defilement, he is able to cleanse us from it – and to stand strong FOR us against the approaching waves that would defile us again.
So, what’s different? In the past weeks, I’ve believed this about our God: through Christ, He indeed can touch us, even as we face the continual onslaught of temptation arising out of our own lusts. He’s not only a Refuge to which we run for safety; He’s a Commander who insists on fighting right there in the frontlines with us in the fray.
And when we finally ask Him to stand with us, He … does. The waves still come, but He’s waist-deep with us, holding us up with HIS righteousness. We still feel the crush, we still feel the tugging tides beneath you, but more important is the promised Grace, the overarching Love and Power of the Almighty, Who has everything at stake where our sanctification is concerned.
I hesitate to call it a victory. I’ll likely fall again when I in my weakness forget these truths and resort to old habits. But here’s another blessed truth: this isn’t about me, it is about Him. It’s about what can He can do. It’s about the security of His promises:
Philippians 1:6 (KJV) Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ."
this is the God in whom i have asked to be in control of my life. this is the God who loves me beyond anything i could ever imagine. this is MY God. the God that walks along side me and holds my head above the waves of blackness with tender hands so that my soul is no longer gasping for air.
have you ever noticed how the most unlikely people make the best friends with the best advice?? it is so funny how the Lord really gives me things that i don't deserve and will never even hope to deserve, but his love and grace is so free and generous that he gives it anyway. he has blessed me so much this summer with a few girl friends (!!!!). i know i know. shocker right? =)
gwen isn't a new summer friend, but the Lord has really shown me this summer what a blessing she is to me. she is one of those unlikely friends. we are so much alike that it seems like we shouldn't get along...but we do! so well. and this summer more than ever i have been so thankful for her and her honesty towards me. i love the fact that i can call her up and declare girl time and know that a good gushy movie will happen and lots of chocolate will be around. or that i can just go over to her house and crash on her bed or round cushy chair and just sit there and talk till my mouth falls off or just sit there and say nothing and walk away completely refreshed. we have also had our moments, but every time (they haven't been that often!!) i have been driven to the Lord and our friendship has gotten so much closer. yeah, that is another reason why i am so thankful for grendolyn. when she sees my spiritual life suffering or that i am slacking off, she tells me! i am so SO SO thankful for that. so gwen, thanks for everything. thanks for putting up with me! =)
another friend the Lord has really blessed me with is steph. she isn't a ben's friend, but she should be! i have known her for a while now, but we have really started hanging out a lot recently. one night about three weeks ago i just crashed at her apartment and we talked for so long. it made me so thankful for friends that are Christians! can you imagine where you would be if you weren't a Christian and then not to have the influences that you have with your friends? i love the fact that i can talk to her about and be blessed by our conversations! she and i hit it off from the beginning...it was like we had been friends forever! it is nice to have friends that you feel absolutely comfortable around. i love going over to her place and just hang, watch trading spaces, the pistons games, good movies...the list goes on! it always seems like she is feeding me too...funny how that works! =)
heidi has been so much fun! and heidi, i do apologize for being a terrible friend this summer...please forgive! i don't know how many times heidi has encouraged me and has just listened while i spouted nothingness into the air and had great advice for me. i miss working with her a lot. we always got LOTS done, but at the same time we had so much fun! i love going over to her house cause i always come away so happy and arms full of books (which, by the way heidi, i will return the books...they are coming! i promise!). we have so much fun making yummy dishes and watching great movies. thanks heidi, i miss you!
another one that i didn't see coming was hallie. now hallie is cool! i met hallie in barnes and nobles actually. you see, i live in the children's section. i go to barnes and nobles and skip the adult part and go right to the kids section, grab about ten books that look like they have potential and sit up on the stage and read. i saw this girl there one time and i recognized her from church...we went to the career class together...and we had some pumpkin carving contest thing that i think she won, so we started talking. before i knew it i went over to her place and we had pizza and were looking at books illustrated by the best illustrator in the world! we started talking about trina shart hyman and how amazing she was, and i knew immediately i would like this hallie person. she has lots of her books (including peter pan, which, if anyone wants to forever be on my best friend list, you may buy that for me please. or you can click here for any other one that you want to give me...he he he), and is her favorite illustrator. so we got along great! i am in a, lets see...what shall we call it (yes, we speak in the ROYAL "we" whenever we can), situation, yes, a situation right now, and hallie sent me an email that was such an encouragement. and you know, the whole rebuke from a friend is going a long way with me right now. so hallie, thank you for your encouragement.
and last but most darfinately not least is our own uber-cool person. steph, of ben 'n steph, and man can i tell you that i have had so much fun!! i went over to her house last night to dye some yarn...and boy was it a learning experience jam-packed with fun! steph is one of those people that i have known for a very long time, and have been her friend, but now i am learning to appreciate her friendship. since i have known her, back i think our freshman year right steph??, we have gone thru lots of stuff. but now i am seeing another side of her that is so much fun! so the dyeing experience...she had some yarn in its un-dyed state and she had read somewhere that you can dye it with kool aid...so we went off to bi lo and got packs of blue, green, pink, yellow, cherry, black cherry, grape and more. and began the whole process. it was fascinating. i have decided that i am going to knit something cool out of my green, blue, and pink yarn. and then watch out world! my feet will be happy and bright! =) then afterward we got to see steph's guitar and i taught ben 'n steph a few chords. that was so much fun. i got to do the flamingo stand while playing the guitar...but i am not as talented as all that so it was more like the dancing flamingo stance. i love hanging out with her. she is so creative and amazing, and i love you to death steph! thank you for your friendship.
so this is the summer for fun, fabulous friends that the Lord has decided to bless me with. love to you all!
so ben the brain fixed my comment problem. you may now comment with ease and have so much fun doing it!
