grumble and complain.

i am 22 years old and want to be like others my age. i want to be able to have the energy to finish a college degree. i want to go to different countries on missions trips. but no. i can't. i am sick. i have no energy to do that much. so do i shout and shake my fist at God? after all he was the one who did this to me.

i smile on the outside. "praise the Lord, he is in control." i am suffering yes. but thank the Lord he is going to take care of me.

inside i hate it. hate being tired. hate being achy. hate doctors poking me and invading my privacy.

last night i picked up a book i happened to have in my library. it is called joni. written in 1970-something. about a 19 year old who became paralized after a diving accident. she remains paralized. here is a statement she made in her book.

"I saw God continually 'working out my salvation.' he helped me deal with my past, for which he had fogiven me thru Christ's death and resurrection. then i saw him effectively at work in the present. although still apprehensive, i knew God was working in my life to save me not only from the past penalty of sin, but from its present power. finally, i knew his spirit was busy within me, trying to create a Christlike character in my life. therefore, i could trust him for the future and the full expression of his redempthion which i would realize in the life to come." (pgs 164-165)

this is a girl who had no feeling whatsoever below her shoulders. months in the hospital. months in rehab. still in a wheelchair.

and i complain.

then i go to a website and read about a guy who is in constant pain. and yet he rejoices in the God of his salvation.

i am not in constant pain. i am able to walk, skip, jump, feel the rain on my arms and face. i am alive. i just get tired.

and still i grumble and complain. who was ever promised a perfect life?