metamorphosis

As a general rule, one should be alarmed when he feels a tugging on his trouser leg.

A downward glance reveals a small dachsund chewing morosely on the leg of my jeans. I rapidly scan my memory for past conversations I've had with this dog. I'm fairly certain I've repeatedly made it clear to him that trouser legs are verboten for recreational chewing.

When he catches me looking at him he slinks away and crouches under the table, feigning penitence. A frayed pant cuff testifies to his guilt.

As I stare at him he morphs, right in front of my very eyes. In a haze of fawn-colored fur and floppy ears I watch his long low-rider profile slowly transfigure into something more...oval shaped. I blink a couple times, but the transmogrification hasn't dissipated. There he is, more compact and pointed at both ends, looking strangely like...a football. It's interesting, I notice, that he is the same color as a football. He, of course, is covered by glossy fur rather than pebble-grained leather, but with a little imagination one can easily see the resemblance.

I pause for a moment, awaiting some sort of explanation from a member of the spirit world, but nothing happens. The dog sits there, reborn as a football. And what does one do with a football, I wonder...

Now I don't want to get all weird here, but it was at that point that I did receive visitation from the spirit world. I kid you not, it was just like in the cartoons where you get a little GI-Joe sized devil on one shoulder and another action-figure angel on the other. On my honor.

The little devil guy whispered something about indulging myself, while the angel spouted some oblique aphorism about the dangers of confusing housepets with sporting gear.

Quite a dilemma, you can imagine.

In the hazy distance a goal post emerges, beaming rays of light. I reach down and pick the pigskin/dachsund up. He feels strangely inviting, just the right size for the average adult male hand, and so perfectly aerodynamic. I wasn't wearing my cleats, but that just didn't seem to matter right now.

I knew right there I had to make a decision. And the only right thing to do was to