Several times this past week I have experienced the unpleasant phenomenon known to scientists as "The Uncomfortable Experience of Hearing a Greeting in Your General Vicinity but not Knowing if the Greeting Was Addressed to You." This phenomenon is caused by several blunders in communication, which usually are the fault of the Greeter. If, for example, you wish to greet one person who is in a group of people you know, you must address the person by name. Otherwise all the Greetees in that group will experience TUEoHaGiYGVbnKitGWAtY. You, the Greeter, must also refrain from greeting people who are not facing you, unless you address them by name.
The worst blunder though--again, the fault of the Greeter, in my opinion--is that of mouthing words or gesturing to someone across the room, when there are more than one possible Greetees. The Gallup polls reveal that Greetees almost unanimously consider this type of TUEoHaGiYGVbnKitGWAtY the most embarassing.
You, the Greetee, are not left helpless though. The vast majority of Greetees agree that the best response is one that returns the ambiguity: a smile and a quick wave that are pointed to no one in particular give the impression that you are responding to someone. Such a response appeases the Greeter (in case he/she is indeed addressing you) and keeps you from looking like a fool (as far as everyone else knows, you are Greeter to someone across the room).
Though one may quickly tire of flashing uncertain smiles and greeting people across the room that don't exist, he has no other option until a better method is discovered.
This has been a long time coming for Greeters and Greetees alike. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your clear, yet gentle approach to such a delicate subject.
Posted by: heidi at September 14, 2004 10:48 AMThis was especially compounded when I first arrived in the South and found out that so much more greeting was expected. In Philly you only greet people you know, and otherwise never make eye contact.
Posted by: momtoast at September 14, 2004 12:25 PMThank you so much! I've been living in small talk limbo for so long, but now I have an escape. As a greetee I CAN make a difference!
You should be a motivational bloger for the betterment of human kind.
Posted by: timf at September 14, 2004 01:25 PMA question from the audience:
Just this week, I ran into someone I knew by first, middle, and last name. However, he only greeted me with a "Hey man." I could tell he clearly did not remember my name and as a result, would be uncomfortable and conversationally hesitant. What is the best way to inform the Greeter of my name? In the past, I've tried telling them directly, but that usually results in them lying "Yeah, I knew that" -- which in turn causes further awkwardness as he ponders the fact that he now has sin in his life. Is there a roundabout way to let them know?
(I used the ambiguous "hey man" above, but equally incriminating is "hey dude", "hey buddy", or the quasi-ethnic "hey dogg".)
Posted by: sam at September 14, 2004 04:56 PMThe simplest solution to both the problem presented by Jon and the problem presented by Sam is one that I have employed for a few years now. I ignore any ambiguous and impersonal greetings. I stare straight ahead and pretend like I never heard or saw anything.
Posted by: apple at September 15, 2004 10:24 AMHere's the thing...I usually don't address people by their name when I say hello anyways. I remember their names but why would it be necessary for me to repeat it? Hope I don't offend people because of that.
Plus, being a former/future New Yorker....I have realized that making eye contact is a sign of weakness and therefore I do not attempt it.
There is an art to noticing people without looking at them that I learned in New York. That way if you see someone you are willing to say hi to you can avoid being rude. But then at the same time avoid getting your purse snatched. And then if there are those you don't want to talk to you can always say "Yo, I didn't see you!" Knowing full well you did but it wouldn't have appeared that way. I know...pretty evil isn't it : )
I am the same down here. No need to shed the New Yorker in me because I am living here for a short time : )
Posted by: Sina at September 15, 2004 12:21 PMhey sligh, you ought to look at theories of comm-the class. It's raunchy stuff. i'll shew you my textbook sometime to confirm my perceptions in your mind.
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