difficult questions

I've been thinking about this recently. I don't know anyone else really who has chronic pain. We've been pretty personal in recent days (transparency, by this shall all men know, in response) on ben's friends.

But this is a different kind of personal I think. I want to ask you about my medication. I think that medical science is good. Don't get me wrong. I think that is covered quite nicely by God's mandate to have dominion over the earth. The verse that keeps coming to my mind is Ephesians 5:18

And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

I know the interpretation. It is pretty straightforward. But do you think that an application of this verse could be pointed to me?

Here's the situation. I am taking 2400 ml grams of trileptal. This is to help me manage my pain. But what I am concerned with is being "drunk" on this medication. Does God want me to live on this? Or does He want me to trust His grace and be filled with the Spirit? Or is this medication His grace? I have struggled with this disease for 9 years. How do we recognize His grace? Sometimes it is so clear. Other times I want it, I need it...but I'm not sure if I see it. Am I a good, trusting Christian if I am lying there immobilized by pain? Am I a quitter because I left school?

Back to my point. The medication helps me. There is not doubt. But I have begun to realize that it has side effects just like other medications I have tried. I have random moments of lethologica and difficulty speaking. My concentration wavers at odd times (this makes me hesitant to drive). And I am very concerned that this drug is affecting my personality. (I have noticed since I've been on the medication that some of my habits have changed.)

I am not asking for a medical opinion, though I am planning on seeking one. I am asking for a spiritual opinion. I know that you might not have an answer. But I seek your prayers as well. Please think about this. If you have any ideas, please let me know. If you prefer not to comment, my e-mail address is towards the bottom of my index page in the sidebar.

Thank you for listening,
grace and peace to you in abundance!