I am sorry I shocked most you. Family, friends, I am fine. There is a balance in my head and at the moment that I wrote my previous entry it was tipped the other way. I am happy in life. I am not going to do anything drastic.
I love God. Everything I do is an outpouring of that. It is because I love God so much that I want to leave this life. But it is also because of God that I am content with where I am. Or am working on being content. I am a work in progress with ups and downs and that was a look into one of my down moments. I am sorry.
I love God. If you cannot see that, if you don't understand that then there is an aspect of my previous entry that you just won't get. There is sacrifice in love no matter who you love. There are times when you need to spend time away from that person that you love and the entire time you are thinking about that person and wishing to be with that person. That is the same thing here. I love God, but for right now, I need to be away from Him. But the entire time I am away from Him, I am thinking about Him and waiting for that day when I can see Him. That is the sacrifice. Because I know right now that I cannot see Him and there is nothing I can do to change that. My life is not my own to make this decision. It is God's. And you may not understand that. It would take several long conversations for me to explain, and even then you may not understand. Or my words may fail me, which is entirely possible.
But I love God and I love life and I love you all. I'm sorry I worried any of you.
I have a life verse. Took me a while to find it, but I've had this one since high school and it hasn't changed since then. I want to share what it is and why I keep it as my life verse.
First, some disclaimers. I am a selfish coward and a disappointing fool. Anything else you may see in me is the work of my Lord and Savior. Anything good in me is a product of His ever present grace and mercy. So the reason for my life verse is because I am selfish and a coward.
My life verse is Philippians 1:21, "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain."
This simple, short verse explains completely my view of life, where everything I do comes from. It is the way I see the world. And yet it is routed in the context of the chapter. I am not lifting meaning from this verse alone, but the situation from which it is written. But this verse is my life.
Thus why I need an explanation of this verse. I don't know if it is healthy for me or not, but I think about death constantly. I dream of finally ending this life in this wretched jar of clay with the constant struggle of fighting against this weak flesh in this seductive, fleeting, material world and finally being given a perfect immortal body. I dream of the end of my disappointing life and being made perfect with no more struggles and no more pain. I dream of ending this failure of a life and starting a life of freedom with an eternity of glorifying God in endless rhapsodies. I plead with God to allow me to come home and finally be able to see Him face to face and run into His arms never to leave them again. With every fiber of life in this selfish cowardly being, I want to die and end this life.
I am not worth it, but God is. I will not take my own life, have no worries of that, I am too cowardly to do so. God is in control of my life. He has bought and paid for it, so it is His to do with as He pleases. I may want to die with every fiber of my being, but God does not. That is why I am still here. I know that I will learn to love Him more, to worship Him better, to live more fully in His love by staying here. I know that through this body, this jar of clay God makes his people, His creation smile and for that I rejoice. So I say with Paul, "I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus."
For those who know me, the real me, not the mask I always wear, but the real me, you know I love fiercely. And those that I love I will give of my life for, because remember, I, this selfish coward, am not worth the air I breathe. But you are. You, the people I love, are worth it. You are a fingerprint of God, a reflection, even if just a shadow, of God. You all are used by God so I and others can see God here on earth. And for you I will give of myself.
So while I wish with every fiber of my being to end my being, I know that I am still here for God's purpose and for those He has created. I cannot promise I will do this perfectly, in fact I may disappoint more than I please. But I am just a cracked jar of clay.
For to me to live this life and be in this body is, like Christ, the ultimate sacrifice, and to die and finally go to heaven is merely selfish gain.
That is my translation of this verse. And that is my view of my life and my place in this world.