Tonight was the opening evangelistic service with some guy from West Virginia speaking (I seriously forget his name). It was really good. He centered around the passage in 2 Tim that says "All Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for discipline, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness." (thank you Bible Doctrines) and his message was one of submission, something I have heard many times.
Yet, tonight, admist the same lines and the same verbage that all preachers tend to use when talking about submission, I don't know what happened. At the invitation he asked all those willing to submit everything to God to stand, while everyone was of course sitting with bowed heads and closed eyes.
And I didn't stand.
I had that same heart-pounding, let's do this, going through one side of my thoughts, and a bone-chilling, i've already done this, going through the other side. I've always prided myself in being able to take a stand when that heart-pounding started, but tonight, before I could figure out why I was hesitating, it was over and everyone was leaving. With my heart still in that half wrenched place, I walked out to my car and drove it around to pick up my boyfriend so he could fill out an application at a nearby Office Depot.
I sat in the car for twenty minutes trying to figure out what in the world was I doing. I felt like every time my thoughts would focus on one reaction, one image, one word it would spin off into a million different directions not having anything to do with the service. I have submitted everything to God before, multiple times, so the hesitation was unnatural. Just as I finally realized my numbness, the boyfriend was back. I felt like an automated machine, driving to fastfood, ordering, eating a blizzard, and driving back to the bubble. Nothing was really registering in my tempestuous thoughts. Got back to the room, got a book to give to a friend, gave it to him, and walked back in the same robotic fashion.
Why can't my thoughts even now focus on one thing?
As I was walking back, wishing with all that is in me that I could lose myself in a nearby wood and not be afraid of not finding my way back just so I could be alone, the Art building started calling my name. I walked into the Fiber Arts room and looked on amazing pieces of work sitting there for an upcoming show.
In the corner was a woven wall-hanging with white and blue feathers stuck all over it. And in the corner the question that had been haunting me for years echoed in my mind. And in the corner tears rolled down my face because I could not find the reason.
Why am I here?!?
I know all the smart and rational responses to that question. I am here to glorify God and to further His glory into all the world. I am here because He has "called me by name" and because He has "created my inmost being".
Despite all of that, I still feel......
lost.
There is no question in my mind that I am saved and my Heavenly Father is waiting more eagerly than I am for the day when I will finally meet Him in heaven.
There is no question in my mind that I am here for a purpose, that there is something here on this earth that only I can accomplish because God created me to do such a thing. I am here "for such a time as this" to make my mark upon this world. I might not be as big as Esther or Ruth or Rahab. I might not change anyone like David or Moses or Paul. But I am here for a reason, and I know that.
Yet why does the question still linger in my mind?
I am not good at anything, whether it be music, math, art, dancing, singing, science, english, building, or acting. I enjoy all those things, but I am not really good at it. I have not found that thing, that focus in life where everything makes sense if I just pursue that field for all my worth. I do not have that all-consuming passion for anything. Theater just happens to be an area where most of what I enjoy doing comes into play. So I figured theater is where I would find my niche.
And what do you think has happened?
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
So the question again arises - Why am I here?
Am I here to be the friend no one had? Am I here to listen to people? Am I here to enjoy all these things and be able to communicate with all different types of people?
Am I here to simply be me?
What in the world does that mean?!?
I know the answer will take me a lifetime to figure out. I know I will spend all of eternity being the person God created me to be. I know it will take hard work and dedication - it doesn't matter what it is, everything takes hard work and dedication.
I feel like I am going in circles. I know the answers, but the question still haunts me.
Why in the world am I here?
Students are on campus. Let me repeat: the Students are back on campus.
Everyone HIDE!!
That's how I've been feeling the past week. There was a slow trickle of undergrads right at first, those people who have leadership positions here on campus. But yesterday and today was a nightmare.
Let me rewind and catch all of you dear readers up in the life of this sprite.
The last post was written in my home in Cali. This post is written four months later and three months into my work here at BJU. I have spent the summer working 40hrs a week in a warm-paper smelling place with wonderful people. They buy me soda and ice cream and bring in free chocolate. What more could a girl ask for?
And the campus has been empty except for the few, shall we call, "die-hards". Now every undergrad should be back and tucked into their beds falling asleep.
Needless to say, I felt very claustrophobic walking around campus today.
I did participate, somewhat, in the checking-in process by manning the Alumni Association booth twice to convince seniors they want to become a part of the university and get preferential treatment every time they return. I am a member and so it was my duty to let them know the benefits of joining. But now is not the time to go into the nitty gritty details of that.
Over the summer I had gotten so used to the fact that I could walk across campus to work and not see anyone. It feels like the bubble is shrinking, or just becoming stuffed to the hilt with all the people that this campus was built for. I want the solace back! I want the freedom to go somewhere and be by myself instead of being sent to my room to accomplish that desire.
On the other hand, students means school is about to start, and I am very excited about that. I have three fantastic theater classes this semester and I have already gotten the books for those classes. I have my notebook and I am ready to go.
Now we just have to get the opening exercises out of the way.