A random thought

A random thought entered my head the other day. I was in the breakroom for the Jungle Cruise listening to the conversation around me and the thought hit me. I was listening to a PG-13 movie in language and topic of conversation. And I watch PG-13 movies. At that moment in the break room, it really felt as if what I watch(ed) on TV became my life. It was a very surreal moment that the movie became my life.

BJU didn't prepare me for this. They prepared me to live in a Christian environment with some secular friends. They prepared me to preach to the lost. They didn't prepare me to struggle with the day to day struggles of keeping my mind pure or the fact that *no one* wants to be preached to. No one wants to be "saved". They are searching for something, but they don't know they are searching. They are content with their life, but they don't even know there is a better way to live. They hear the name of Jesus and the title Christian and they already have a thought of prejudice and the correct misconception that they are going to get preached at. They don't want to be told they're sinners cause they don't think they sin. They don't want to feel guilty because they are already disappointed in themselves.

How do I live my life loving my God, my heart bleeding at the fact that almost everyone I work with is going to Hell and they don't want to hear what I have to offer? They don't want to hear about Salvation cause they don't think they need to be saved. They believe in living each moment as their last, the whole Carpe Diem because there is nothing else and they don't want to think about nothing else. Bring up eternity with them, and they are disbelieving in it cause they can't touch it, see it, hear it, or smell it, let alone taste it.

So I try just living my life, the way I live my life. I try to live different enough, to be different enough that they come asking questions. But that means I am alone. But there is God, right? God is always by my side. I know that. But I need a friend that I can get a hug from. Someone to help me stand and live this way. I see Quezia once a week, if I'm lucky.

And my old roomie from BJU is getting married today. I am so happy for her. Really, I am. I was there from the beginning. And I know she is so happy today. I just wish I could be there.

Instead I'm here, living in my own life version of a PG-13 movie.